Kevin couldn't bring himself to attend his parents’ fiftieth wedding anniversary. Years ago, when he married outside of his Korean culture, they boycotted his wedding.
Ellen still has sleepless nights. She experiences nightmares about her father, who abused her as a child. He’s dead now, but she can’t stop thinking about the pain he caused her.
Joan’s “best friend” lied about her to her boyfriend, leading to their breakup. Shortly after, Joan’s “friend” and ex-boyfriend began dating. Joan felt betrayed and couldn’t stop thinking about them.
Tim found out his coworker had been criticizing him to the boss and sharing misinformation about his work. The coworker was promoted, while Tim was demoted. Tim can’t stop thinking of ways to get even.
As you read about these stories, you may find yourself relating in some way. We all have been violated, hurt, and offended to some degree. If we are honest with ourselves, we have also all hurt and offended others.
Jesus said, “It is impossible that no offenses should come, but woe to him through whom they come!” (Lk. 17:1). As you go through life, you can be certain of one thing. Offenses will come. If you think you will get through life without someone hurting you, you are mistaken. Jesus says it is impossible to go through life without being violated/offended in some way. Someone has done something to you that you didn’t want to have done to you. You have been wounded.
According to Jesus, forgiving others is not an option for Christians. He instructed His followers to pray, “Forgive us our sins, as we have forgiven those who sin against us” (Matt. 6:12, NLT). In Paul’s letter to the Ephesians, he wrote, “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (Eph. 4:32). These passages are explicit, cut and dry, plain and simple. Forgiveness is a core value for Jesus’ followers. However, in real life, practicing Jesus’ teaching isn't easy. Not only is it not easy, it is often misunderstood.
When I was in high school, I witnessed someone whom I loved dearly suffer through a very abusive relationship. I didn’t know the extent of the abuse until years later, and neither did the pastors who, on several occasions, counseled her to forgive her husband. But everyone who was close enough to the situation knew that at some level, serious boundaries were being violated in the relationship.
In tears, the offender would often say, sometimes in my presence, “Please forgive me.” It was only years later that I realized that these were the words that he used to control and manipulate his victim. Because she felt duty-bound to obey Jesus’ command to forgive, she endured unnecessarily horrible abuse. It didn’t help that pastors often encouraged her to stay in the relationship in the name of “forgiveness.”
We’ve all been deeply hurt by someone we cared for and trusted. We know what it’s like to resent a person who has violated us. Does Jesus’ teaching on forgiveness still apply? If so, what does it look like, especially in cases where abuse, rape, murder or betrayal has taken place? Are we as Christians required to forgive people who have deeply and irreparably damaged our lives? Is the relationship with the offender restored to its pre-offense condition?
In Matthew 18, Jesus gives detailed instructions regarding the attitude His followers should take towards those who have injured them. The chapter begins with the disciples asking Jesus, “Who then is greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” (vs. 1), and ends with Him saying that only he who “from his heart” will “forgive his brother his trespasses” will be in the kingdom (vs. 35). Matthew 18 seems to be tied together by the themes of humility, forgiveness, repentance and reconciliation. In the parable of the one lost sheep, Jesus stressed the profound concern that God has for “one of these little ones” who have “gone astray” (vs. 12-14). He had previously given a serious warning against causing “one of these little ones who believe in Me to sin” (vs. 6). Then, He proceeded to give practical steps towards reconciliation when “a brother sins against” another Christian (vs. 15-17).
After hearing Jesus talk about dealing patiently with an erring “brother,” Peter asks Him how long he must practice this before he is free to have an unforgiving attitude towards those who have offended (vs. 21). Jesus’ answer (vs. 22) shows that God’s forgiveness is not a judicial act. Instead, it is an attitude of the heart. The person who considers a particular act unforgivable, or who thinks that at some future time he will not forgive because of constant failure on the part of the transgressor, is far from extending true forgiveness. If the spirit of forgiveness is in the heart, a Christian will be as ready to forgive an offender. Jesus illustrates this with the parable of the unforgiving servant (vs. 23-34).
Jesus is not encouraging people to purposely remain in harm’s way in the name of forgiveness. He does encourage His followers, for their good, to surrender their feelings of resentment and hurt.
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